How many real, ‘in the trenches’ friends do you feel you have? Most people reveal that they have less than five, and many said two or three. Does this compare with your situation?
Also, it was normally established that real friends make life more meaningful, and when times are tough, these friends may be the difference between surviving reasonably psychologically unhurt or going down the gurgler! Therefore, it is vital to encourage these friendships because they can be vitally important to one’s long-term joy and happiness.
So what constitutes a excellent friend compared to a good friend or an associate?
Many people concur on some character traits of a first-class friend:
1. You are able to trust each other which means that you have no secrets and you respect your promise, you are always truthful.
2. You can rely on each other for help when you are in some kind of difficulty but this may not necessarily include every type of backing – e.g. financial
3. You may not see each other regularly but when you do catch up it is just like the previous occasion you met
4. First-class friends seem to feel when you are concerned or not feeling well, and will take the initiative to ask if there is a difficulty, and will keep asking until they are content you are okay.
Now we come to the ‘crunch’ – what elevates a friend from being a good one to being a great one?
The answer is one important and critical feature. It’s called “TOUGH LOVE”. This one quality can truly change your life
This means loving sufficiently to grant advice that may produce anguish in the short term but will be helpful in the long term. Tough love is being willing to verbalize what a person NEEDS to hear rather than what they WANT to hear! This can represent encouraging a friend to change a behaviour, outlook, belief or value that is harming them or making them unhappy.
This quality is also called compassion. This doesn’t mean softness or lovey dovey feelings. Compassion can be inflexible, almost brutal when required. It comes from concern, but can be rude, stunning you out of complacency when all other methods have failed.
Why is tough love so significant? Because it puts others requirements ahead of selfishness. Instead of trying not to offend because we fear losing their friendship, we speak what they need to hear for their own gain rather than remaining silent. The concern of losing friends repeatedly stops us doing the right thing since we are behaving in self interest.
The Correct Way to Offer Loving Criticism
It’s vital to respect specific ground rules when providing this kind of gutsy feedback so your friend doesn’t feel judged. Great friends appear to know this instinctively:
Start by saying something similar to ‘John, I have something valuable to say that may help you. Are you interested to hear it? It is coming from my concern for you as a very treasured friend and I know if I were you I would wish to know. If I have my particulars wrong I’ll apologise at once. But please listen to what I have to express before responding. OK?’
If they are amenable to the advice, then away you go. But be prudent and follow this process in your response:
1. State the specific issues that you think are causing difficulties
2. Note the destructive outcome on the friend’s life
3. Make recommendations to your friend on how the issue might be resolved.
For example
John, for a long time now, you have told me you hate your employment. You criticize your manager, or your humdrum job, but you don’t take accountability for making that choice or doing something about it.
This is making you unhappy, even depressed, and I dislike seeing you so unhappy.
You have several talents and passions and successful work experiences that could open other doors for you and make you a happier, more creative person. You could launch your own business, or find improved employment by promoting yourself directly to a short list of preferred employers. I’ll do anything I can to assist by referring you to people I know, or helping you create your own business!
Would you feel comfortable giving this kind of feedback to a friend? Would your friends give you this kind of advice? If so, you know these friends can make your life much more rewarding.
Gary Hipworth is a life planning consultant who believes that all people are capable of being their own life coach. For this purpose he created Superlife Life Planning Software to help you discover how to change your life
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